Midlife - Yikes

 

I turned 44 a few months ago and it really hit me that I am now classed as midlife.  When did that happen?! 

Age has never really bothered me. I saw it as only a number and I sure did not act my age, because where is the fun in that.  Now, it scares me!

Turning 44 was fun, until reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I was officially in midlife. Going through menopause when only 5 minutes ago I was a teenager! Time really does fly and its quite scary at times.  It has made me question a lot. I have not achieved anything career wise, degree wise I have failed and I am hoping to try again. My biggest achievement is my children and I couldn't be any more proud of them and I am lucky to be their mum. At times I feel like I am letting them down because of how I am.

I had this plan that I would be in a wonderful job, with a nice house with a garden and providing my children with everything they wanted. It didn't turn out that way. Yes my children get pretty much everything they want, you have to say no sometimes and there is nothing wrong with that, but I don't have a job and we stay in a 3 bed flat.  Now there is absolutely nothing wrong with staying in a flat. Ours is in a well sought after area and we have it looking lovely but I always feel sad I didn't get the house with the garden that my children deserved. They are now at an age of not caring about having a garden as they are off out with friends most of the time but when they were younger they played out on the street (massive grass area) and they enjoyed that but it always bugged me.  Then I started looking at things differently.

When I was younger we had a garden but I was rarely in it.  I was always out the front playing with friends on the street. I was rarely in the house! I had the best childhood and now I can see I gave my children the same.

I have also come to realise that age really does not matter.  I can achieve anything I put my mind to. 

Yeah I am 44, but what does that really mean in the grand scheme of things.  Nothing. It really is only a number. I have a wonderful family and great friends. Can't get better than that.