Painfully Honest

I was actually happy in the photo above  but all I could think was oh no this isn't sitting right on me. I look awful. That was swiftly followed by Am I too old to be going to K-pop concert? What if I look out of place? I knew it wasn't anxiety talking, it was years of having zero confidence and low self-esteem.

My issues started in high school. I had no confidence at all. Yes I had great friends but I got good at hiding just how out of place I actually felt. They were much more outgoing than me. Being bullied during my first year of high school didn't help. I could stand up for myself and yes I got into a few fights, not proud of that one, but sometimes there was no choice. Towards the end of high school I gained a little more confidence, same during my college years. My first job after college was awful and I hated it. So called adults were nothing but bullies. Rumours spread that had zero truth behind them It was such a toxic environment. The next place wasn't much better but I learned to ignore the nonsense and just keep my head down. Not always easy when the guy who sat across was nice one day and utterly awful the next. 

The thing that really stripped away any confidence I built was my first serious relationship. The first year was great. He was good to me, took care of me and I thought it was great. Then after the year, reality hit. It was little things at first. Asking why I was friends with a certain person. Telling me that a woman should not have male friends, so I changed the names of my male friends to fake female names so I could keep my friends. Then he wanted to control my money, what I wore and even what I ate. If I had eaten dinner at home and then went to see him he would order takeaway for me arriving and guilt me into eating it because he spent money. So I ended up putting on a lot of weight. Then he would tell me we had to go to the gym and when I started losing weight and feeling good about myself, the cycle started again. By the time I found the strength to leave him, I had lost the job I loved and felt as if I was worthless. 

These experiences really affected how I saw myself, they still do. Yeah I laugh, joke, tease and appear as if I am confident. I'm not. It's a mask I wear. 

So that night I took my daughter to see Stray Kids, as happy and excited as I was to see them live and make memories with my daughter, I couldn't help but think I was too old, too fat and that I was going to embarrass her by looking the way I did. I am 45 and I feel so much older. 

As I write this, I am fighting tears. I sometimes wonder if I will ever like what I see when I look in the mirror.