When I was 15 and my period first appeared it was a minor, irritating inconvenience. Cramps and feeling a bit yucky became natural and it just did not bother me one bit but I did moan about them. At 36, I really wish I could go back to those days again because day by day my life is slowly being ripped apart.
After my diagnosis of severe PMS (PMDD) in 2014, I honestly felt that I was dealing with things much better. I started tracking my cycle so I knew how many good days (usually 9 days for me) I would have before ovulation came and the rollercoaster started all over again. I won't go through all the physical and psychological symptoms again but now I am finding out about the one big symptom they fail to make you aware of, the one that really makes your life a living hell.
Over the last 5 weeks I have had a sinus infection, a urine infection, the cold a sickness bug and now a viral infection. Add to that my PMDD symptoms and it's clear I am having a terrible time of it just now. The one thing people don't see is how this condition is ruining my relationships.
At 36 I should be out working, looking after the kids when I come home and all the other things that come along with being a married woman. The fact is, I can't work as the symptoms are crippling my day to day life. I have days I can take on the world and days I can hardly walk about the house. I look at my children and think how they deserve so much better than me. I look at my husband and think why does he stay with me? I should be spending more time with my mum talking about nice things rather than moaning down the phone about how I am feeling but as a woman she understands the hell I am going through. She has enough to worry about without me adding to it.
The intense guilt I feel every single day makes me feel sick. I can't help but feel I am ruining everyone's life due to something I physically and mentally have absolutely no control over. Before anyone comes out with "you do have control, get over yourself" no, I don't have control of my hormones just the same as you.
The physical symptoms and some of the psychological symptoms can be managed with paracetamol and that's as far as it goes. The guilt, however, can't be managed and it will always eat away at me, bit by bit every single day.
James, Liam, Sophie, Mum, Dad and Claire - I love you all so much and I am so sorry for putting you all through this.
**At the time of writing, I am waiting for my gynaecology appointment to come through after being referred on January 18th.
This is just so awful for you Angela. I know that as I get older my symptoms are getting worse but nothing like what you are going through. I really hope you get a breakthrough with your referral.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I am asking for a full hysterectomy. It is the only way to cure it. I knew getting older would change how it all worked but never knew it could be like this x
DeleteI do feel for you - my sister is having a lot of problems at the moment, and is waiting for an appointment too. I see how much pain she is in and how much is affecting her day to day life. I hope you get the hysterectomy you are asking for, and that it cures you. Wishing you well x
ReplyDeleteIt is a fight to get the referral, it's terrible. They need to realise these conditions can and do mess up people's lives! I hope your sister gets the results and help she is after xx
DeleteI am so sorry to hear about this and really hope the appointment leads to a solution for you.
ReplyDeleteThank you. Hopefully the appointment comes through quickly. xx
DeleteI am so sorry to hear you are suffering so much with this.I hope you find something that works for you at the appointment.
ReplyDeleteThank you. Hoping the appointment comes through quickly. xx
DeleteOh, I am so sorry to hear this. I am waiting for a gynae appointment too only mine for heavy periods rather than PMDD - hope it gets sorted xx
ReplyDeleteI hope you get your appointment soon and they get something sorted for you xx
DeleteHi Angela, my heart goes out to you for all you are going through but put the guilt in a box and throw away the key. You are doing the best you can and your family will understand how hard it is for you. I hope that your appointment gets you the help you need. x
ReplyDeleteThank you. The post was written when I felt at my lowest and it was the best time to get it out there how it feels to me. Not many people have seen that but felt it was time to get it out there xx
DeleteSo sorry to hear this, please don't ever feel guilty, by going to the doctors and seeking a referral hopefully they'll be able to help you... x
ReplyDeleteThe GP can only do so much I guess so I am hoping the Gynaecologist can work some magic x
DeleteOh lovely, you should never feel like this. I hope you get sorted sooner rather than later.
ReplyDeletex x x
Thank you xx
DeleteBless you so sorry you have been so poorly with it, hope the appointment goes well and you get the help you need x
ReplyDeleteThank you. I got my appointment date today, cant wait!x
DeleteOh gosh, that sounds horrendous. I hope you can get some help with it soon xx
ReplyDeleteIt can be, just trying to deal with it the best I can :) got my appointment next week so fingers crossed xx
Delete