I would like to thank Sarah* for sharing her story with us. She hopes that in sharing her experience that it will help someone else get out.of an abusive relationship.
*all names have been changed
It was 2001 when I met David* in a nightclub on a night out with the girls. I hadn't planned on meeting someone that night but he came over to our table and asked me if I would like to dance. I said yes thinking it would just be a dance and a quick snog but he never made a move as we danced. After a few songs, we went to a more quiet spot and sat and talked for a while. We exchanged numbers and he went home, I didn't think he would get in touch but the next day he sent me a text asking if I wanted to meet for a drink that night. I agreed and later that night we met at a local pub and the night went brilliantly.
Over the next few weeks we saw more and more of each other and then we made it exclusive. I was smitten.
I was working as a customer service advisor at a bank and he worked in insurance, he made a comment that I was making more than him but said it in a way that was like a joke so I didn't think anything of it and laughed. Looking back that was a red flag but I didn't notice.
Fast forward a few months,he was showering me with gifts, taking me on days out and dates, making an effort to impress my family and friends and we also booked our first holiday abroad. We decided on Benidorm and I was really looking forward to a week in the sun. It was during this holiday that I realised that he controlled everything we were doing. He always picked where we would go and on holiday this was no different. When I questioned him he said it comes down to his love of travel (he previously worked in that industry) and planning fun things for us, I smiled and thought it was cute and put it to the back of my mind.
Everything seemed to be going fine but I noticed my friends didn't really want to see me as often and then they stopped talking to me. I assumed they were jealous as they were all single and didn't understand what it was like to be in a relationship. Again, I missed another red flag.
It all went wrong when I moved to a new job within finance. It was a job that I absolutely loved but David's attitude towards me completely changed. This time when he mentioned my salary being higher than his, he seemed angry. I told him it didn/t matter who earned what, what mattered was we liked our jobs and the money we both earned gave us the freedom to do what we wanted. He didn't like that answer. He believed that the man should always earn more and that I should leave my job. This caused an argument and I went home. The next day he was at my door with flowers and tickets for the football, saying that he didn't like his job and was always passed over for promotion. I decided to let it go and move on from it.
A couple of days later he booked a house viewing for us as a surprise. I really loved the property but he decided it wasn't what he wanted. That he didn't want that area. Considering he booked the viewing, I now know this was done out of badness. He knew I loved that area and the house was my dream home.
The next thing was he wanted my wages to go into his bank so he could give me pocket money. I refused as I believed our finances should be kept separate until we had a house together and even then the joint account would only be for bills, which should be split evenly. Then he started phoning my mobile every day, which was off during work hours, so when I didn't answer, he started calling the office. He didn't like me having male friends at work and would send flowers every week or show up to take me out to lunch. Away from work, I only ever saw him. He would make me eat the food he ordered, even if I had already had dinner. I could only see his friends. I was still living at home with my parents at the time so I was still getting time with them.
This behaviour went on for months and one day it got to me and I had a break down at work. My colleague took me to the on-site nurse, who called my doctor to make an emergency appointment, and she also called my mum to collect me. The doctor diagnosed me with anxiety, stress and depression
and signed me off for 6 months. I was devastated but David was happy. It meant he earned the most and that he knew where I was at all times.
During that 6 month period, I hardly saw him. Turns out he was seeing a girl he knew from his college days. He didn't realise I knew but a friend of ours saw him kissing her and sent me a text to let me know. I was also seeing 2 different counsellors, one my GP arranged and one my work paid for. One day he took me to the private counsellor. He wanted to sit in on the session and she told him no. He didn't like this but went back to wait in the car. It was during this session that it was pointed out to me that his behaviour was not normal. I spilled everything and she told me that I had to get out of that relationship and that it was emotional abuse. In that second it all made sense. I went home and put a plan in motion that would get me out of the relationship.
I lost my job due to the manager believing I was no longer able to do the job based on my mental health. I was heartbroken but it set my plan in motion too.
I took a job at a local discount store, meaning I was earning less than him, which he loved. I then went on to do various temp office jobs. It was during this time he proposed, not because he loved me but because he wanted me to have unprotected sex with him. He hated condoms and if I got pregnant then the ring on my finger would stop his mother from being angry. He also said that he would not let me keep the child if I fell pregnant and would come up with a miscarriage story. That broke me so that night I picked a fight with him, told him it was over and threw the ring at him. He tried to follow me but his mum's boyfriend stopped him and thankfully my parents were waiting in the car for me to take me home. During the argument I told him I knew he was cheating on me, He smirked but I said she was welcome to him. Turns out she didn't know he was in a relationship and dumped him. She had a lucky escape.
A lot of other things happened within that time but I don't want that written anywhere. That dies alongside that relationship.
Leaving him was the best thing I ever did. I am grateful for that breakdown, the nurse and the counsellor who pointed out what was happening. Yes it was a horrible time but it made me see the man he really was.
Thank you to Sarah for sharing her story. If you need advice on getting out of a relationship or help supporting a loved one, you can get help here
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