Mothers Day

Happy mothers day!!

I was spoiled rotten today by my gorgeous babies

They gave me Daffodils, Carnations, Chocolates, a card, certificate and a CD

To everyone whose mum is no longer with them i am sending you all my love and I know your mums will proud of each of you xxxxx

To those who have sadly lost a child. your are the strongest mummies. your children are looking down on you every day proud to know you are their mummy  xxxxx

New glasses - New reason to be anxious

I am supposed to wear glasses all the time as I have a problem with my right eye and I have done since I was 4.

Just before Christmas I decided I no longer wanted to wear them as I felt ugly and silly wearing them. I am not really sure what brought it on.

Wednesday this week I got my eyes tested and yesterday got my new glasses. They are lovely but as soon as I put them on I felt dizzy and sick. I wore them for a few hours then had to take them off.

Today I went all dizzy, warm and sick again and it brought on a panic attack. I know its silly deep down I know that.

I called the opticians who told me that as my prescription changed it is all very normal to feel what it like motion sickness as the eyes adjust. 

Would be too easy for me to take the glasses off and forget about them but I am going to persevere.

Mental Health Awareness Week 2014

This year Mental Health Awareness Week will take place from 12-18th May and this year the theme is Anxiety.

I received an email from the Mental health foundation this morning and it contained a link to a supporter kit which has a lot of information about the aims of awareness week and ways we can take part and help others.

http://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/our-work/mentalhealthawarenessweek/get-involved/

Please have a look and get involved.

The more we raise awareness the more people will speak up and the stigma will be reduced.

Guest post (SF)

I have always been that annoyingly happy, optimistic, non-judgemental person, the one who most of my friends turn to for help, support and advice, and I would always be there as best I could. I have also always been one to hide how I feel, smile and get through things regardless. This used to be great, I could get through everything this way, I was always ready to take on the world with a smile. In Feb 2006 I quit my favourite job, I had been working nights for a company who provided the emergency assistance for travel insurance (I loved that job so much!) but I was starting to get unwell and my Dr suggested that a move to days would probably do me good. When I put in a request to move to days I was told no, as there wouldn't be enough cover. After a while of this I just got frustrated and decided to put my health first and took the first job available, and quit my favourite job. New job was evenings and weekends as a call centre supervisor and I hated it. The centre was so disorganised, the staff were all 18-20 and hated their jobs, oh and the other 2 supervisors (delightful women) disliked me as I hadn't worked my way up like they did. After a few months of putting up with the delightful women constantly trying to trip me up and push me down I decided that maybe now was my chance to move away from the small town and see what else was out there. So June 2006 I upped and moved to Leeds... because I had fallen in love with it years before. In September 2007 I went out with my now ex husband (met through work), we dated a while, moved in together, then October 2008 we discovered I was pregnant. At this point I had started to notice that my ex had some "issues" (strange eating habits, drinking a little more than I thought was normal, and what I thought might be mild depression) I asked him at this point if he would go to his GP and talk about these things, he assured me he would as he wanted to be a great dad. (And yes I have my own issues, I am overweight, and I don't like lots of people in small spaces.. freaks me out.) May 2009 our daughter arrived, my ex would try to do things but lacked confidence so I would end up doing most things, but I was happy to do so as he was out at work full time whilst I was on maternity leave. He started drinking more, and more regularly but always shrugged it off as not being a problem as he wasn't violent or a "tw*t" as he put it. I told him he needed to be careful, and that he was most definitely showing signs of being an alcoholic, and that he should go get help. July 2010 I got a call from work saying that ex had been taken to hospital, so I got daughter ready to go out and as stood up I felt extremely nauseous, so I quickly ran upstairs to do a pregnancy test which was positive. Went to pick up the ex from the hospital following a "possible migraine". A few months later we discovered he had suffered 2 symmetrical TIA's in the visual cortex of either side of his brain. This reduced his peripheral vision by 10%, and left him with visual epilepsy meaning he needed tablets as his vision would go "funny" so like a migraine but no headache. February 2011 our son arrived, my ex had stopped trying to help, he was sleeping a lot and when he wasn't sleeping he was having panic attacks, and his visual epilepsy would play up as he wasn't talking to his GP about anything now. So I had 2 under 2's and a 6ft4 ex who relied heavily on me as he wouldn't seek help. This is when I started to struggle and my GP started telling me I needed a break as I was dealing with stress and exhaustion. I went back to work part time after my maternity leave, my ex kept trying to go back to work but because he wasn't asking for help his epilepsy and depression weren't being treated so just both kept getting worse. If the children were ill I would take time off work to look after them as my ex was incapable, if my ex was having a particularly bad day, I would have to take time off work, and if I got poorly I ended up taking time off work. I started to resent my ex, for putting everything on me and not talking to the Dr's, and I started to tell him (regularly) I wasn't coping. I lost my job November 2012, due to too much time off. This was where things started to get too much for me, and the resentment built. Feb 2013 a friend took me and the children out to McDonald's as a treat. Sat down at the table, chatting away she turns to me and says "you are not happy what is going on?" Well... that was it. Everything I had held back, not mentioning a word to a soul, all the false smiles and hidden hurt, well it all fell apart, in the middle of McDonald's. She had thought things had been a bit off for a while but I had always managed to deflect, but this had been a bad day and it was the wrong question to ask. Eventually I managed to stop crying (in Maccy D's!! at lunch time on a weekend!! I hate crying even more so in public!). When we got home she turned to me and said she would have left after 6 months of the way he was just ignoring us all and belittling me and that she had no idea how I kept going. That was it I saw it as permission to step away, for me and the kids to have our own life. March 2013 the ex moved out.. life started getting better, things were getting easier, I had gallstones which would set me back on each flare up, but I was decluttering the house and starting to move on. November 2013 I found a house within walking distance to my little girls school, unfortunately the move date was 3 days before my gallbladder op, but with a lot of help from friends and family (my little brother travelled 200 miles to stop for 3 weeks and help out bless him). I had the op, then after a week staying at a friends house sleeping and taking things gently I was back home to look after the kids on my own, and finish unpacking from the move. Days ticked by, I had good days and bad days, but I started to notice that the good days were only occasional still. The stress of everything that had been going on had passed but still I was left feeling exhausted, getting out of bed only happened because little ones were up and I was struggling to get moving, to get motivated to do anything even getting washed and dressed. I was only doing anything at all because of my children, and when ever they weren't around I was crying, I didn't want to cry, but tears would just be falling for no reason. So I went to our new GP and told her, took a simple test just asking how I felt, circled the numbers relevant and she turned to me and said that she thought that the stress may no longer be there, but I think your serotonin levels may just have run out leaving you to deal with exhaustion, depression and anxiety (my anxieties on dealing with lots of people in small spaces had spread to just being near lots of people.. I don't like people en-masse.. I like individuals). So I am now on tablets, anything to help me get back to me. I am due to start counselling at the end of March and I know its a long road, bad days do and will still happen, but one day I will get there.

The Caerus Partnership

Hi.

I would like share with you a new and amazing organisation , The Caerus Partnership. This is an organisation I will be supporting and hope to work alongside them to help others.


"As an organisation we believe we need to make the good care of our mental health as part of 'business as usual' and must work to better improve opportunities for individuals that have faced crisis. Our core business objectives are as follows:"

• to create a n inclusive awareness  of mental health problems so that we can  intervene and support individuals in the earlier stages of poor mental health.
• to help individuals recognise problems with their mental health and develop effective, personalised and practical recovery programmes for them.
• to help mental health sufferers manage the relationships they have with their friends, families and employers.
• to ensure mental health sufferers can rebuild their lives and embrace preventative activities in healthy, practical and functional manner.
• to provide training and employment opportunities for mental health patients to put their experiences and insights to positive use.
• to help employers become aware, proactive and supportive of mental health sufferers in the work place.
• to encourage a widespread appreciation of the progressive, non-discriminatory and psychological nature of all mental health problems.
• to inspire others to embrace the individuality of mental health sufferers and consider the damage labels and stigmas can cause.
• to engage everyone in the mental health epidemic and inspire each of them to play a role in giving people the opportunity to get and stay well.

If you would like to find out more please go to http://www.thecaeruspartnership.org.uk/

Big Step

I do not like going to the opticians they get too close and I don't like people touching my eyes.

My appointment was for 0930 and my mum came along with me.

I expected to feel anxious and instead of bottling it all up and letting it build when I went into the room for my test I explained to the optician that I was feeling a bit anxious, might talk a lot and fidget a good bit...then something happened....the anxiety disappeared as if it was not even there.

I was amazed. Was it because I was honest about it? Was it because I expected to be anxious and that's why it never came to anything.

Being honest I don't know.

I even went to the shop with my mum before coming home.

GO ME

We can all do it. You have to believe you can.

I pushed myself today

Last night I had a bad panic attack. I have not had one like that in quite a while. It scared me even though I knew what it was.

I cried, screamed and bounced around trying to give all that adrenalin somewhere to go.

My husband was a great help. He let me vent it at him knowing what I said was not aimed at him or anyone, it was purely my frustration.

I spoke to my mum and sister also who were so understanding and tried to get to the bottom of why it happened. At the time of it starting I was eating dinner and watching TV. Clearly my subconscious was working overtime for some reason.

Today I decided to stand outside just for 10 minutes to remind my brain that there is nothing scary out there and the fresh air and open space was no a threat. After I done that I went back inside got ready and went to the local Asda supercentre.

I knew it would be busy, when is it ever quiet?!

earphones on and in I went got everything I needed paid and came home. I could feel an attack start when I was there but I stayed and kept going.

When I got home I was so pleased with myself and very tired too

It's a start

Losing someone close

I have briefly spoke about this in a previous post but this time I will go into more depth.

February 13th 1990 my mum broke the news that my Gran has sadly passed away. That day a piece of me went with her. I was 9 at the time.

I can still see me walking down to the kitchen where my mum was waiting for me, I remember sitting down on the bench at the table and hearing those words. We cried together and I don't think I have ever cried so much in my life.

At 9 years old I understood what death was.

I was too young to go say goodbye at the funeral as much as I wanted the chance I understand why I was not there that day.  Looking back I don't think I would have handled it at all.

Some friends at the time did not understand why I was still upset weeks after that day. At that age we do not understand grief. I was angry at them for asking but again looking back I understand their confusion.

Grief is a horrible lonely feeling that people handle in many different ways.

It can make you cry, angry, distraught, confused and lost. Some people don't cry. We are all different.

24 years on and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of my gran. I would give anything for 5 minutes with her just to hug her one last time!

It is not something you ever get over. You simply learn how to deal with it as the days go on.

Ask Angela

OK it is time for something a little bit different.

I want to give my readers the chance to ask questions about me, my blog and to also tell me what they would like to see on here too.

So ask away in the comments section below and I will answer you!

xx

my thoughts are with those affected with the disappearance of MH370

Two weeks ago Malaysia airlines flight MH370 disappeared.

At this time I would like to send my love, prayers and thoughts to the passengers, crew and their families.

To everyone involved in the search be safe and everyone appreciates what you are doing.

Angela xxxxx

And it all came tumbling out

So today I broke down in tears in my kitchen and everything I have been feeling and worrying about came tumbling out and I have to say it feels as if a massive weight has been lifted.

It all began with a simple statement from my husband and that is all it took for it to come out. As soon as he said "whats wrong" that was me, tears came as I stood doing the dishes.

Don't you think it is amazing how two little words get you that emotional and admit to everything?

The list of things wrong went like this: Am I a good mum? Am I a good wife? Do we have enough Money? Why is my anxiety back? My anxiety can get lost can't it? I just want to hug my mum, I want her to be better!!

My poor husband got it all thrown at him and fair play he left me scream cry and have a good old rant.

He also got called all sorts before I told him what was wrong...oops.

Thing is sometimes we want someone to ask us what is wrong so we can vent.

Talking about it is the best thing we can do.....bottling it up is not.!

Never be ashamed

Guest post - Sophie Dean's story

I always knew i was different. I never felt loved by my dad. I never wanted to leave mums side. From a young age id worry about the future. 

I cried everyday at school until year 8..i just wanted to be at home with mum. Growing up i realised i had a problem when my ocd set in. i felt the need to touch objects/doors etc constantly and knew it was going to affect me later in life.

 In school i couldn't cope, i was bullied and had low self esteem. I was always looking for reassurance.at the end of term time every time i felt i was getting worse. I worried about my mental health..convinced i was going crazy. Worried about walking to school or even looking at someone wrongly. 

Mum and "dad" got divorced and she got with Steve. For a while we had 8 people living in the house and it was very stressful. Then i got a full time job and everything came to a head. I couldn't cope. I cried. I wouldn't eat. I dreaded going the next day as soon as i got home. I slept all the time i could to escape the feelings. I managed 3 shifts - in which time i managed to lose enough weight for my trousers to be loose- then i broke down and got sent home to think about what i wanted. No-one understood and i couldn't explain i just knew i couldn't face it. So i didn't go back. I looked for part time work .it got to the stage even interviews were getting scary. i got a job behind a bar. In my interview i wanted to run home. I enjoyed the job but felt i would never be intelligent enough to learn it all. 

I got offered a better position and took that but after a day i just couldn't cope. I went to the doctors after years of being scared to tell anyone and talk to anyone besides mum and my boyfriend. Straight away they put me on anti depressants and signed me off work. 

Slowly the tablets were increased because it wasn't helping. They put me on sleeping tablets for ten days but as soon as i came off them i had withdrawal symptoms and woke up in the night really poorly.

The anti depressants continued. I went for counselling soon after but couldn't bring myself to do the work she set for me and it didn't help..i was scared of being pushed back to work..i worried about anything and everything. My counsellor gave up on me. 

I started to have panic attacks when out and about or around loud noises.

I now cant go out on my own.

My doctor tried to lower my dose of tablets but i got really sad again and they had to be re-increased. I was taken for more counselling which I'm still doing at the moment. Its hard. 

Every day is a struggle with emotions and simple tasks.. People cant see it so they don't think of it as an illness but it is and i have been known to feel suicidal or like harming myself..i still feel like this.. One day i WILL beat this.

thank you to Sophie for agreeing to share her story with us.

my current battle

So my anxiety seems to rear its ugly head when I know I am going out.  There is no way I am letting this beat me.

I was out on Saturday with my husband and our children when an almighty panic attack came on...I wanted to run home but what did I do? let it run its course and carried on with doing the shopping.

It took a good hour before it completely passed and I felt OK again, left me drained but I knew I was fine.

I get that anxious sometimes I feel like I want to throw up, sometimes I do. Silly nervous system lol.

Yeah I know I am laughing at it. If I don't laugh I will cry!

Anxiety will not beat me again!

my gorgeous children

So I talk about anxiety but I want to talk about 2 amazing people who just make my life whole.

Liam and Sophie.

My children are so beautiful and clever and loving. I cant imagine my life without them!

Liam is 4 and is at nursery. He starts school in August this year. He can count to 100, knows his alphabet, everything about trains and cars he is so intelligent. He adores his little sister Sophie. Liam has a wicked sense of humour. He has his moments though lol.

Sophie is 1, she will be 2 next month. She can count to 5, knows colours and some shapes.She can say, and associate, over 100 words. She loves her big brother so much. She is funny. Loves to dance!! she is also very intelligent just like her bog brother.

my children and my world

Coping Techniques

I am going to write down some of my coping techniques that I use when feeling anxious.

• Listen to music. - When I am out and about on my own I put my earphones in and the music helps me to relax and relieves stress.

• Cube Breathing - Breathe in to a count of 4 -Hold your breath for the same count -Breathe out for same count -Hold breath for same count

• Laughing - yes I know this one is a bit unusual, however, I find laughing calms me down. I laugh at the fact I'm anxious or panicking. It really works honestly.

• Pep talk - I have been known to stand in front of the mirror in the bathroom before going out and telling myself I have nothing to be anxious about, that there is no danger. It works

These are some of my coping tools and I am sure other people may have more to add so please feel free.

fighting back

so my anxiety levels have been rather high the last 2 weeks.

My children were not well then I was floored with the most awful cold which I am still not 100% over.

During those 2 weeks I was out twice.

Once to an appointment I HAD to go to and oh my word I felt dreadful. Temperature,, dizzy, blocked ear and felt sick. That day my anxiety went through the roof. It was not a nice feeling and to make matters worse I could not even have a drink of water or anything as it was no allowed.

Today I went to the doctor to get a check up. Having asthma I need to make sure my chest is clear. I went to the supermarket with the husband and our two monsters.

It felt GREAT being out and my anxiety actually behaved for the first time in 2 weeks.

woo go me!