Guest post - Sophie Dean's story

I always knew i was different. I never felt loved by my dad. I never wanted to leave mums side. From a young age id worry about the future. 

I cried everyday at school until year 8..i just wanted to be at home with mum. Growing up i realised i had a problem when my ocd set in. i felt the need to touch objects/doors etc constantly and knew it was going to affect me later in life.

 In school i couldn't cope, i was bullied and had low self esteem. I was always looking for reassurance.at the end of term time every time i felt i was getting worse. I worried about my mental health..convinced i was going crazy. Worried about walking to school or even looking at someone wrongly. 

Mum and "dad" got divorced and she got with Steve. For a while we had 8 people living in the house and it was very stressful. Then i got a full time job and everything came to a head. I couldn't cope. I cried. I wouldn't eat. I dreaded going the next day as soon as i got home. I slept all the time i could to escape the feelings. I managed 3 shifts - in which time i managed to lose enough weight for my trousers to be loose- then i broke down and got sent home to think about what i wanted. No-one understood and i couldn't explain i just knew i couldn't face it. So i didn't go back. I looked for part time work .it got to the stage even interviews were getting scary. i got a job behind a bar. In my interview i wanted to run home. I enjoyed the job but felt i would never be intelligent enough to learn it all. 

I got offered a better position and took that but after a day i just couldn't cope. I went to the doctors after years of being scared to tell anyone and talk to anyone besides mum and my boyfriend. Straight away they put me on anti depressants and signed me off work. 

Slowly the tablets were increased because it wasn't helping. They put me on sleeping tablets for ten days but as soon as i came off them i had withdrawal symptoms and woke up in the night really poorly.

The anti depressants continued. I went for counselling soon after but couldn't bring myself to do the work she set for me and it didn't help..i was scared of being pushed back to work..i worried about anything and everything. My counsellor gave up on me. 

I started to have panic attacks when out and about or around loud noises.

I now cant go out on my own.

My doctor tried to lower my dose of tablets but i got really sad again and they had to be re-increased. I was taken for more counselling which I'm still doing at the moment. Its hard. 

Every day is a struggle with emotions and simple tasks.. People cant see it so they don't think of it as an illness but it is and i have been known to feel suicidal or like harming myself..i still feel like this.. One day i WILL beat this.

thank you to Sophie for agreeing to share her story with us.