Have you ever.....

Have you ever sat down and really thought about the event or events that may have put your life on a different road, the one thing that changed the way you see things and the way you think? I have.  Only recently I have done this and now I wonder if this is one of the reasons I am so scared of life.

I was watching The Speakmans on Monday and I was sitting there in tears and shaking like a leaf.  The story was about a girl who had emetophobia, a fear of being sick/vomit and she was that bad she would not leave the house.  I am not scared of being sick but I do have a fear that stops me leaving the house.  It was during this programme that I really gave it some thought and made me realise that some life events changed me forever.

When I was 9 my gran (mum's mum) passed away.  I knew what death was and that I would never see her again. I was heartbroken and 24 years later I still am.  I was far too young to attend her funeral and I understand that. It would have been too much for me.  It wasn't until earlier this year I asked my mum what actually happened to my gran.  I knew she had COPD - Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease, so I assumed it was this that took her life. I found out it was a stroke that took her.

When I was 19 I was at work doing an extra shift when my manager called me on the telephone.  Her words were "Hello Angela, Your dad has had a stroke. Are you ok?" my legs went from under me. I strangely went back to the task I was doing in a complete daze. My colleagues were looking at me and I knew they were asking me something but I could not take in anything.  My manager came to get me.  She took me for a sugary drink and explained that the reason I found out the way I did was due to company policy, no personal phone calls regardless of what it was regarding.  I lost it and she sent me home. I had no idea if he was conscious or not. When I got to my mum she told me he was awake and talking.  My dad is still with us today.

My mum has also been diagnosed with COPD and I pushed that out my head, didn't want to deal with it until 2012 the day after I turned 32. Myself,my aunt, my mum and dad were at a Roller Derby bout.  My mum did not seem herself but she got on with watching the bout.  Afterwards my mum dropped me home.  A couple of hours later I got a call from my dad, my mum had been admitted to hospital. I was in shock. All we knew at that point was her COPD had flared up and she was in a bad way.  I didn't get to see her until the next day and I was not ready for what I saw. There was my precious mum lying in that bed looking so ill, grey and on oxygen. Yes she was awake and could talk but it left her breathless.  The next night she was worse again and I had a flashback to my gran being ill. I was convinced I was going to lose her. I remember my sister Claire putting her hand on my shoulder.  I held it together, I don't know how. When I got home that night I totally lost it. Fear and anger took over.  She was in for a week and when she got home I was so so happy but ever since then every time I know she is not feeling great and that phone goes I am terrified it's going to be the call I am dreading.

As you have probably guessed I have not dealt with all of these events in my life and I am first to admit it.  When my health is bad I am terrified that one of these things will happen to me and that I will be alone with my children when it happens and who would be there for them when I am lying on the ground unconscious?

There you have it. My reasons.