No Escape

When you have gone out with family or friends have you ever had an escape plan in your mind so you can get away if anxiety arises?  I have on many occasion.

Take Friday for example, I had money in my purse for a taxi and I also knew where my mum's car was parked in case I had to escape and calm down, luckily I did not need to that time but the plan was there.

I want to push myself and go somewhere that I cannot escape that easily.  My husband wants to take the children bowling and I love bowling but here is the thing. We need to get the train which means I cannot escape to a safe zone or get home quickly.  There is an hour between trains and the bus service is just as bad. We don't drive so I don't have a car to hide in.

I am not sure if I am ready to push myself that far yet but at same time I do not want to let my children and husband down,

My poor husband has suffered enough with my anxiety and insecurities.  I am so so scared that if I do not push myself I am going to put more pressure on him and hurt him even more than I already have.  My gorgeous children do not mind spending time with me wherever I want to be but I know they need out and about.  I am still a good mum I know that.

Tears are streaming down my face as I write this.  I just want to be the fun, happy and exciting woman I used to be, the one he fell in love with.